Bluetracker

Tracks Blizzard employees across various accounts.

The Night 'Fore the Update: A HotS Christmas Carol

'Twas the night 'fore the update, and all thru the Nexus,

Not a damage was ticking, not even Naz hexes.

The patch notes were ready to soon be released,

So reddit could argue who got nerfed the least.

The Overwatch characters all sat there grooving,

Awaiting the archer whose Q charged while moving.

Sylvanas baked cookies for Stitches to bite,

While Auriel hung up her angelic lights.

When out on Cursed Hollow there rose such a clatter,

I quit my AI game to see what's the matter.

I asked the sly Raven to cut short his curse,

To see how the Nexus had just been immersed.

And what I saw next made the Gravekeeper stutter.

Diablo himself no low growls could mutter,

As way out in mid-lane we all saw with wonder:

Malfurion riding a reindeer Lunara.

I knew by his horns and his Moonfire bright,

It had been no mere chance that he came on this night.

Lunara, for her part, was Level 20 at least!

I could tell by the Galloping Gait of her feet.

Then, suddenly, hoisting them lighter than air,

Malfurion pulled out some updates to share.

"No longer will Aba die to you, Valeera!

Your outline is darker! The towers can hear ya!"

And so did all Bronze league sigh out in relief.

No longer would they fear the Horde's own Van Cleef!

But still wily Zeratul lurked in the shadows,

Ready to show off some new Heroic powers.

And then, in a crashing, I heard on the roof,

The tower shots firing all the night through!

It seemed like they might just keep shooting forever,

If Gall hadn't finished them with Twisting Nether.

I also then noticed, as I cleaned up the rubble,

I no longer felt like I lived in a bubble!

My perspective was broadened! I saw the whole lane!

Probe's rifts rung the Tribute 'fore anyone came!

Regen globes were twinkling! They went up for grabs!

The Knight camps gave all the Spell Armor they had!

And though Kel'Thuzad mourned the sidewalls for his E,

We all couldn't say what the changes would mean.

When all the dust settled, Malfurion cheered.

"The PTR's over! Your updates are here!

We'll all have a good time! The fun never ends!

Maybe someday we'll even get some buffs for Chen!"

And with that, Chen himself bust out all of the brew.

The party had started! Everybody knew!

The meta was shifting! Double healers were done!

Even Hammer looked past her winrate and had fun.

And so with the updates we queued for HL,

Sure that now we at last would 'scape MMR hell.

But sadly, no amount of performance weight

Would stop Illidan diving ten thousand years late.

And with that, good Malfurion picked up his sack,

And promised us after the break he'd be back.

But before he and Luna pranced off of my screen,

He called back: "We'll see you in 2018!"

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