It's Fashion week on Azeroth (and beyond), and all of Azeroth's villains - past and present - have been invited to take on their greatest challenge yet - the catwalk. Competitors were rated on several metrics including creativity, appropriateness, utility and plausibility (how many skulls did Arthas really need to have grafted onto his armor in order to instill fear into his enemies, really?). Here's what the critics had to say of the top 10 finalists:
This list does not include villains such as C'thun who, for all intents and purposes, are in fact naked.
10. Queen Azshara
You may wonder what Queen Azshara is doing on this list - no, she didn't mind-control us - when her attire can be described as either a smattering of kitchen paper towels (pre-Sundering) or 'just a light jacket for those breezy summer evenings' (post-Naga).
What Azshara lacks in ample clothing is generally made up for with the constant 'Adoration Aura' she constantly casts on her surrounding subjects. Being fashionable is determined not only by what you wear; you must walk the walk and talk the talk! As being, essentially, a demigod, thick protective armor is not on Azshara's shopping list. On the other hand, her extremely light clothing is unsuitable for extreme conditions such as being plunged into the cold abyss of the ocean, which sends her to the bottom of our list, but still ahead of dozens of other ill-dresses villains.
Here's an animated short showcasing all of Azshara's outfits and forms of the past 10,000 years:
9. Blackhand (Alternate Draenor)
Ever since a young age, Blackhand dreamed of working the furnace... until one day he became the furnace! Behold what renowned critics have described as foundry-couture: boots and gloves as heavy as a Toyota Supra, appropriately-immense shoulder plates, a hammer that is also a flail and of course, in true orc fashion, traditional chest armor in the form of a single chain.
Make no mistake - Blackhand is not bald. His hair just never has a chance to grow when his head is on fire literally all day. His outfit is a prime example of understanding the environment in and making an effort to blend in with the environment in a classy way; something that can't be said about The Jailer (his day of reckoning will come soon!).
Blackhand's armor may just be the best example of utilitarian clothing in our entire list - I've heard his posse of orc foundry-fashion designers gossip that he grills cheese sandwiches on the palm of his gauntlet every morning and never needs to shower, as being in a constant state of burning purifies his body of any bacteria, odors or soot.
Here's a day in the life of Blackhand:
8. Anub'arak
Our only representative of the giant beetle community, Anub'arak is dressed to impress. Beetles are already naturally resilient to attacks due to their chitinous exoskeleton, so his royal attire is only really worn for flexing purposes.
Notice how the armor is beautifully shaped to match his soft, corner-light body parts. Gold trims mark the exterior of the regalia while elegant purple plates dot the inner facets of each piece. Here's what a passer-by, who chose to remain anonymous, had to say:
Quote From Random Passer-By Every time I see Anub'arak I am bedazzled by his glamorous attire. Look at the workmanship on those plates! Refined, classy, timeless. I often imagine pouring chocolate over him and watching as the liquid smoothly and seamlessly travels down his non-euclidean form…
Here's Anub'arak debut in Heroes of the Storm, this weird dimension where lots of Blizzard characters end up because of timey-wimey shenanigans:
7. Teron Gorefiend
Teron Gorefiend carried the torch of the olden days and exudes that classic, grim, terrifying visage. As the first Death Knight to be created, his reputation takes a lot of effort to maintain, yet even the most clueless fashion consumer can see Teron is slaying it!
Let's talk armor: Three beautiful blue spherules, presumably filled with anguishing souls, bring a bit of color to this lone rider's rotted life. His shoulder plates are donned with spikes, a great choice for blocking attacks from swords and axes, although we cannot help but wonder if his wings ever get pierced in them. His boots are donned with all sorts of spikes, presumably to make piercing those Capri-Sun juice containers easy.
But what about that weapon. What is it? Is it a sword? Is it a mace? What's the orb do? We have no idea, but we think it's a very brave choice and we're very intrigued to find out more!
6. Blood-Queen Lana'thel
Where [Hearthstone Card (High Inquisitor Highmane) Not Found] lacks (tact, elegance), Blood-Queen Lana'thel delivers. After breaking up with her former sword bestie, Quel'Delar, Lana spent the rest of her time in service to The Lich King, although we're not sure what she was actually up to, because we only saw her leave Icecrown Citadel once. We assume she's been catching up on Game of Thrones.
Blood Elves have an unnatural obsession with green gems, and Lana'thel respects her heritage by donning her body in five of them, each of greater size. We were rather surprised to hear she walks barefoot in the Citadel, considering the plethora of health issues that can arise from doing so, affecting the spleen, stomach, liver, gallbladder and kidneys. She assured us, however, that Undead like her are probably fine doing it.
Her gorgeous, silken, sanguine dress was personally designed by esteemed tailor Wrathion, famed for his legendary cloaks, as a nod to her never-ending thirst for blood (she is a vampire, but prefers the term 'blood queen', and just 'Lana' in private). When asked why she still has furs on her throne if the cold never bothered her anyway, she had this to say:
Quote From Blood-Queen Lana'thel Is authentic Shoveltusk fur out of fashion these days?
5. Kael'thas Sunstrider
With a family fortune large enough to anger the entire bourgeoisie, Kael'thas Sunstrider puts fashion before all else - even his people's crippling addiction! It's a mystery how this robe-weaving, golden-bangs playboy was rejected by the most in-demand bachelorette in the Eastern Kingdoms, Jaina Proudmoore, but some say he never really recovered from it.
Kael'thas is what we call a "blood mage", although his skillset has nothing to blood, and everything to do with fire. His pet, exotic phoenix Al'ar, won last year's Azeroth-wide Agility Challenge Pet Championship and is now undergoing rebirth, meaning it can fit snugly into Kael's fanny pack as an additional accessory!
Let's focus on the attire: A magnificent crimson cloak made of the extra-rare (and extra-expensive!) one-humped camel fur that flows in the wind even when there is no wind. Gilded plate armor, an uncommon choice for a mage, forged by elite luxury enterprise Baelgun & Cyanigosa (Baelguncyoga as it is commonly referred to) and a magically enchanted hairdo that ensures the prince's hair is always shampooed and luscious.
What's most exciting about Kael'thas is how he weaves his mastery of magic into his presentation. Magical accessories have been all the rage for decades now, and Kael doesn't disappoint with three Fel orbs always conjured, rotating around his head. His example raises the bar for all our contestants. Talk about high fashion.
4. Garrosh
Landing at a very respectable number 4 is Garrosh, our favorite problematic Orc! You may not have agreed with all his policies, and perhaps even rebelled against him, but you can't stop and admire one thing: This man knows how to work his shoulders!
It is our fervent belief that Garrosh was never meant for a life in politics, but his true calling was fashion. His shoulder plates are literally the tusks of Mannoroth, a horribly-dressed villain whose death came at the hand of Grom Hellscream, Garrosh's dad. It's a very metal choice to wear them.
Garrosh also wields Gorehowl, also his dad's axe. It's a bit unfortunate he could never branch out of his father's legacy and discover his own fashion identity, but we must commend the ol' Warchief for paying homage to his roots in such a well-thought out outfit.
At this point, we'd critique his lack of chest armor, since, well, why wouldn't you just axe him in the chest? If you look closer, however, you'll easily notice Garrosh is an absolute ham, and has three sets of 8-packs, making his flesh even more durable than the best armor Titansteel Ingots can make. Garrosh doesn't need fancy camel-fur cloaks or floating orbs to express himself - a few choice pieces of clothing are more than enough to get the message across.
To prove Garrosh can still rock even without his shoulders, check out his hooded appearance in this battle:
3. The Lich King
This is not a valid ranking if we don't include the blue Lich King, Arthas Menethil himself! His earliest appearances were rather vanilla, donning the "young and perfect Prince Charming kit" every aspiring golden child wears. All that changed, however, when his true fashion sense awakened after he purged an entire city for all the right reasons, in all the wrong ways!
His journey to one of the best-dressed villains on Azeroth was long, but after defeating former villain Illidan and climbing the spire within Icecrown Glacier, he claimed one of the world's most exclusive outfits, the one he still wears to this day.
If there's something to really commend The Lich King on, it's this guy understands armor. Look at him! Not a single slice of skin is visible! Every weak point is covered! Finally, someone who wears armor for the right reasons! He's even got a cape for the extra points!
There's one thing we must wonder, however. His helmet already casts a terrifying gaze upon any who dare to witness him, and the room freezes when he enters. Did he really need 9+ skulls adorning his armor to get the point across that you don't mess with the Jailer of the Damned? And what about those two smaller skulls on his shoulder plates? What are those from, pygmy gnomes? One lesson we're sure Arthas didn't have the time to learn from his father is restraint.
Check out The Lich King in all his CGI glory in this remastered resurrection of Sindragosa:
2. Chrono-Lord Deios
Deios has only recently risen to fame in Azerothian high society as a relative newcomer to the posse (he's been busy attacking the literal future of the world), but this relative newbie has taken the fashion world by storm. His outfit is at once muted, yet interesting in its asymmetry, and his choice of beard cut and hairstyle are both daring and extravagant.
His fashion is definitely going to be the trend in the future, because from his travels there, he brought us two things: Myopia and fashionable glasses! That's right, glasses is the new meta in the Azeroth fashion world. Why would an Infinite Dragon of immense power have myopia? We're not sure, and at this point, we're thinking he doesn't and the golden Dumbledorian glasses are in fact a fashion statement. We are thrilled to see what the denizens of Azeroth do with this new-found accoutrement. Fashion on Azeroth is never going to be the same.
Have a look at Chrono-Lord Deios's trailer debut and gaze into his magnificent glasses:
1. Sire Denathrius
Commissioner of the entire Warcraft Universe's Fashion Police (the Dreadlords), Sire Denathrius. So revered is he in the fashion world his likeness has been used in all media: concept art, cutscenes, cinematics, CGI trailers and even hand-drawn animated short stories. If Queen Azshara knew of his existence, he'd have ditched that fiery fart Sargeras and left the humid and smelly N'zoth long ago.
Denathrius' attire is simple: A few beautiful, ornate pieces of gold and Sinvyr metals comprise most of his armor. A collection of rings - each with its own story, I'm sure - adorn his well-moisturized clawed fingers. A very expensive fur tunic attempts to cover his chest, but the bulging mass of pectorals, abdomens and very well-defined neck muscles cause the tunic to burst. One last ingredient to the best attire in the universe: infinite charisma.
Denathrius does not rely on parlor tricks like floating orbs or emotionally-charged shoulder plates to express himself, although he does spend a lot of time in parlors, so he might actually know a trick or too. His favorite pet/weapon, Remornia, has a mind of its own and is quite the entertainer at parties. It's also a horcrux, what a useful little feature! With a weapon that lets you cheat death, you don't even need chest armor!
We should also take a moment to talk about skin care. The Sire is extremely old, like, realllllly old, and yet his complexion is flawless. No scars, no zits, and only wrinkles he specifically let grow because looking a little hardened can generate major appeal is done right! We sat with Sire Denathrius and asked him what his secret is:
Quote From Sire Denathrius Liquid suffering. Here in Revendreth, we pride ourselves in our work. Helping those almost beyond saving is an arduous process, one which produces the sweetest anima mo–, well, the sweetest anima anima can buy in the entire Shadowlands. You'll know it's top-tier stuff because of its deep red glow. We have recently received reports of fake Revendreth anima being sold on the black market, and everyone should know the key differences in order to be able to–
Quote From Interviewer I'm sorry, Sire, you were talking about your skin care routine?
Quote From Sire Denathrius Indeed, my sincere apologies, insole– dear mortal. Here's what you need to do in order to maintain glowing, eternal skin as I do: Two glasses of Revendreth Red Anima © with each meal. Every morning after you wake up, and before bed, douse your entire body in a bathtub of anima. For any spots, like the eyes, that require a little extra care, imbibe a slice of cucumber in more anima and apply to area until the cucumber loses its red glow. Oh, and, just between you and me, avoid Goblin cooking, trust me.
Check out what our beloved Sire is doing to our #4 finalist. He's so well-spoken!
Well, there you have it folks, health advice from the Sire himself! I hope you're satisfied with the results of the competition, and let us know in the comments below if any other villains surprised you during this most extravagant of events! Stay tuned for our list of worst dressed villains, coming as soon as we've settled a few issues with the Azeroth Defamation Board.
Comments
Brilliant! I'm loving it! Now please let me know where I can buy those outfits for my Hearthstone heros... I want to see those shoulder plates on Jaina :D
Thanks to you, catwalks of Garrosh and Arthas will haunt my dreams forever after this.
I enjoyed the read tho.